You sure about that?
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[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
my fav colour is also hitler
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!