“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.