You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
crying
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.