You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework