You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”