You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I Can’t Tonight…
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
