Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.