You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.