Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I’m good, thanks.

this is the best interaction on twitter

i like to flex on them by shrugging

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.