“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
i want to work in this restaurant
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.