You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?