Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Go gym

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””