You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*