You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Dumple
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.