Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Wow 🤣

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?