Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

ㅤ

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.