you telling me a banana nut in this bread
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What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!