you telling me a banana nut in this bread
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
become ungovernable
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.