you telling me a banana nut in this bread
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same