you telling me a banana nut in this bread
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
True statement👍😏😁
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years