You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
still the best tweet of the year by far
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
This will never not be funny to me.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.