You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Uh oh…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
BRAKING NEWS!!
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
based
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.