You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.