You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird