You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
You Might Also Like
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.