You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.