You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Not even remotely sorry.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003