You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
No regrets in 2018
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
This is me 🤣🤣
Help Wanted
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.