You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I drew y’all a little something.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.