“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby