Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

shakira sharkira

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.