Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.