Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Lmao 🤣

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Might start laying my own eggs

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Tell the colonel to bring it