Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.