Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.