Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A little help here, Danny?”

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.