Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?