You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*