I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
the Monday after daylight savings
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Happy birthday to all the women
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
That de-escalated quickly
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.