@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim

You Might Also Like

@tanklesbian

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

@markleggett

If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.