Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

m’lady

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.