Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Feels

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.