You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person