Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?