Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.