“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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How is it still this week?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
as the prophecy foretold
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”