“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Do not levitate over flowers
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.