You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.