You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.