You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.