You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?

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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it



me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.


*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*


I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8


Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter


[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear


“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?


Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan


It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.