@kumailn

You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?

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@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.

@mommajessiec

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*

@str8upjuggahos

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

@SteveSuckington

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

@TweetPotato314

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.