Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
You Might Also Like
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.