Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My Sentiments Exactly
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
new wife guy just dropped
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.