Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.