“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.