“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
You Might Also Like
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.