Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Time heals everything 🙂

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

🤣🤣🤣

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body