You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Go girl power!
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Don’t tell me what to do
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.