You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Always the vampires
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
