You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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barbara was highly relatable
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime