Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*