You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
The old gods are rising again.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.