Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

😜

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?