You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
first you must answer his riddles
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back