You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
there has never been a better use of this meme
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage