You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you