You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.