You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The Birdles
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Noted.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows