You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
oh shit
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa