Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old