Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Effort made

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.