Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Yeah, that’s it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature?
*empties 326 cans of hairspray outside*
Knock that shit off!
We never really turn the phones off.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my… not that close. I can’t breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER