You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Always a housemaid, never a house.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The point of your 20s
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People