@LoveNLunchmeat

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

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@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@UnFitz

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

@dyldonot

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

@Sassafrantz

[Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40’s
-how’d u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

@TheMichaelRock

You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature?

*empties 326 cans of hairspray outside*

Knock that shit off!

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@HardmanRick

Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my… not that close. I can’t breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER