You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Free him
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???