Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”