You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.