You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).