You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
so weird how every mom was born today
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.