You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
this is uni
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off